some random thoughts

– I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option. 

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can 
think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell 
my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves 

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you 
realize you’re wrong. 

-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to 
have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and 
sticks when they’ve invented the lighter? 

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re 
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to 
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the 
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like 
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to 
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re 
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. 

-That’s enough, Nickelback. 

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger. 

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” 
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose 
not to be friends with? 

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t 
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically 
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all 
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards 
or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft. 

-There is a great need for sarcasm font. 

-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and 
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first 
saw it. 

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually 
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s 
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little 
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the 
only one who really, really gets it. 

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than 
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 

– I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear 
your computer history if you die. 

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to 
finish a text. 

– A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the 
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. 

– LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”. 

– I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

– Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron 
test is absolutely petrifying. 

– Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, 
all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”. 

– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod 
and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said? 

– I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up 
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! 

– Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ 
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete 
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and 
said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies” 

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? 

– While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and 
i nstinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart. 

– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I 
know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the 
person died. 

– I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the 
shower first and THEN turn on the water. 

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, 
and you can wear them forever. 

-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired. 

– Bad decisions make good stories 

-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their 
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got 
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if 
I do! 

– Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? 

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring 
would probably just be completely invisible. 

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go 
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly 
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be 
a problem…. 

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work 
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything 
productive for the rest of the day. 

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t 
want to have to restart my collection. 

-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are 
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 

-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me 
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I 
swear I did not make any changes to. 

– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever. 

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people 
watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will 
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t 
watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and 
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’ 

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? 
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and 
goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone 
and run away? 

– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not 
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 

-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she 
hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light 
internet stalking. 

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, 
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. 

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising 
speed for pedophiles… 

– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, 
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. 

-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still 
not know what time it is. 

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. 

-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to 
answer when they call. 

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it. 

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car 
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the 
Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze 
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time 
every time… 

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would 
happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that? 

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and 
the link takes me to a video instead of text. 

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they 
drive behind obeys the speed limit. 

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or 
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

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