nickelback responsible for global warming

A team of Australian scientist’s have reportedly found the exact cause of global warming and insist that it is real and far from a laughing matter. Privately funded research done in an Australian lab has revealed that Nickelback is the sole cause of global warming and everyday the effects continue to be felt by citizens around the world.


The report which has yet to be publicly released apparently contains detailed statistical information detailing just how much damage Nickelback may have already done, as well as other effects directly caused by Nickelback but not directly relating to global warming itself. The research even suggests that Nickelback may be the leading cause of; world hunger, poverty, AIDS, cancer and George Bush being elected US president twice.

It’s no secret that CO2 emissions damage the ozone layer and one of the contributing factors of global warming, so how does Nickelback tie into this? The answer is a relatively simple one: because of the sheer crappiness of Nickelback’s music, every time it is played CO2 plus other potent and toxic chemicals are released into the air causing catastrophic environmental and human damage.

Already known to many is the fact that Chad Kroeger doesn’t actually sing, he merely opens his mouth and excretes faeces from his mouthing whilst generating possibly one of the worlds largest optical illusions ever seen in history (the illusion of talent). Picture a fat man making love to a sofa with the vacuum cleaner hose down his pants to get a good indication of what Nickelback’s music sounds like.

Just how dangerous is Nickelback’s music? Here are a few interesting bits of information telling you just that.

  • Exposing a newborn child to Nickelback for 15 minutes or more may result in your newborn wanting to grow bad facial hair when they hit puberty and form one of the most annoying wannabe rock bands ever since Creed
  • Listening to Nickelback has the potential to render any male completely sterile. This is rumoured to be because Chad Kroeger then proceeds to move in on your wife and impregnate her with his bastard child, followed by wearing your clothes, drinking your beer and using your power tools – all while you sleep in a bus shelter because you got kicked out of the house and have no where to go
  • Listening to Nickelback gives you the illusion that you are listening to music, when in-fact you are listening to crap excreting from Chad Kroegers mouth
  • If you listen to Nickelback, Jehovah Witnesses will visit your home twice daily for 3 years non-stop until you join their religion. Jehovah Witnesses love Nickelback
  • Listening to Nickelback will give you swine flu. This also goes for, thinking about Nickelback, talking about Nickelback or going to Canada which will all also give you swine flu
  • Listening to Nickelback can cause internal bleeding or brain haemorrhaging due to the serious injuries you will sustain from being beaten up for listening to Nickelback

The scientist’s responsible for conducting the study are now under fire from P.E.T.A because they not only used mice in a stressful and unfit environment, but also exposed them to dangerous amounts of Nickelback music. A P.E.T.A spokesperson had this to say: “Animals naturally have a low tolerance for music from the likes of Nickelback, Simple Plan and Creed, this leaves them vulnerable and prone to damage from over exposure to any of these so-called bands. You wouldn’t make your child listen to Nickelback, so why a cute defenceless mouse or dog?”

While it is not entirely clear what solution scientist’s are going to come up with to eradicate this problem, I think permanently purging Nickelback from existence is the sensible option at this point in time.

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