i’ve always liked one liners

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

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