mitch hedberg

Mitchell Lee Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005)    back in 1989 mitch began performing at open mic nights in florida.  two years later he moved to seattle to try and further his carreer.  he achieved national success in 1996 at the just for laughs montreal international comedy festival.  he appeared on letterman ten times and was arrested in 2003 for possession of heroin. march 29 2005 hedberg was found dead in his hotel room overdosing on heroin and cocaine.  motch hedberg was glossophobic (he had a fear of public speaking)  so he qould sometimes perform with his eyes closed, or with glasses so dark he couldn’t see the audience.  sometimes he would even perform with his back to the audience.

  here’s a few quotes:

“I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you’re a table.”

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. ‘Damn it, Otto, you’re an alcoholic.’ ‘Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.’ One of those two doesn’t sound right.”

“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”

“I walked by a drycleaner at 3am, the sign said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry, it’s 3am and you’re a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk in at 10am and say “Hey, I walked in at 3am and you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology.”

“Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!”

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

“Stephen Lynch is funny, he’s a hard act to follow. I’m a hard act to follow too, cause when I’m done I take the microphone with me.”

“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man! I don’t know how I get away with it.
“I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.”
“So do I.”
“Well let’s form a club then.”
“Okay, but we need some more stipulations.”
“Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again.”
“Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips.”
“Or potato salad.”
“Okay. Lemme ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?”
“I’m for ’em!”
“Well this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide!”

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